i said i'm happy but i lied!

ugh, what am I to do? i don't want to kill my self out of irresponsibility and laziness but life got so boring that everything is so monotonous: everyday seems to be a repitition of yesterday, everybody seems to be doing the whole thing again and again, and everywhere seems to be having the whole pattern of activities from time to time! things got so boring( perhaps i'm not the only one feeling the deal!) why am i feeling this kind of emptiness? i have great friends, i know! i have great family, and i'm thankful! i have great experiences, I guess?!
a feeling of needing someone greater envelops me, squeezing me tighter and tighter, crushing my nerves into numbness. a need for someone more vibrant, a need for somebony who possesses more will power, someone who has wealthier experiences. Eureka! that is it! i'm needing someone whom i can recognize as a saviour and as a hero! i know and i acknowledge the presence of God but i am in great sublimation to find a human a, a person and a being whom i can trust, value and look upon into!
i don't ,know if this is an after effect of numerous frustrations in life but i really got bothered by the prevalent situation i am into! a gest for some, maybe! but it is really the hard truth that i am in deep sorrow and agony upon finding this person! a real quest for a once in a lifetime experience!
i may offend and perhaps hurt some by these staetments but i don't knoe why life got kind'a went like this!
i don't have any of those problems tantamount to buildings and skyscrapers but to me it seems that this is a real big one! oh i have another problem which really s not a big one. i'm torn between the decision of choosing my happiness and success!!! i'm quite bothered by this but i am certain that time would help a lot!

i know and not wish

the end of the year was about to come, I wanted to stay longer here in Marbel because of the exciting and invigorating experiences i have observed since December sarted.

this year is a bit tiring yet enjoyable year!getting to know bette other guys in my major really gives me a better perception about life.

people who suffered and mourned a lot during their past,will earn a lot of blessings in their future.

this idea was from the two of my great friends, one had really big prob with guys she had fallen for and the other had big prob with her family.

this year, I have fallen for a friend, i don't knoew if i'm close to his heart as a friend but to me his very close. at first it was only a plain crush on him but it really proved that proximity results to intimacy...grrrrrr.... he caused me a lot of insomniaic nights and blank-thoughts during daytime.everytime his with other girls i feel a stinging pinch inside me, its venomous and it spreads all over me, turning myself into a stiff statue!!! I hate this feeling and i totally hate the situation but i like him and i still like those girls he is sometimes with! it would be a great hipocrisy to deny this feeling before him and before the whole 3rd year english-majors of NDMU. the thought of "how would i get over this feeling" during the past months clouded my mind. and it really bites, the reality that he does not even like and would never like a single part of me is in the air. i tried to tell it frankly to him but he refused to give something back except the friendship that we have built up during the days we have gone through. another thing that is softly killing me are the people i know, are the friends that i have and are the dear classmates of mine who also like him! darn it!. I don't want to see their faces near him but what can i do?, they are everywhere he goes they are everywhere he went they are all over his life here in college. I don't own him, and i have nohing to tell to those guys ,who are like his shadow, to go away from him! it hurts but it's the reality. it stings but it's the truth. it kills me but this defines me. this situation defines them and this situation defines everyone of us. who are these everyone anyway? i don't want to mention names because i value their feelings and i respect their personhood. I wished to have a better space in his heart and not just a plain friend but this was an old tale to tell and does not prove to be true this day. I just wanted us to stay friends because i have seen someone he likes much and i can sense someone he really deserves. someone he can pair-up and could really be satisfied with! i realized that because we are always ogether and we are always with each other's company that i have fallen head-over-heels for him. but there is this another friend who is always with my company and always hear my problem who i am falling for but there is this something that hinders the feeling to grow and I don't know what it is! maybe it's because i don't want to kill another self of me anymore. i don't want another venom to spread on me and turn me intio a stiff statue. i don't want these things to happen again because this other friend has his dear girlfriend.

this year is about to end but i know for myself that these heartaches are also about to end. I know i know i know because i don't want to say i wish i wish i wish.

i believe with all the reality in my being that it is their loss not mine!

Guys merry christmas and advance happy new year ...

don't give yourself a lot of stress!

doing both the OPPOSITES

yesterday, we went to school to build this 10-feet christmas tree, i thought much of the expected things in there are a bunch of cutting, sticking, gluing and such stuff but to my surprise the end of the day gave me a lot better outlook about life.
it was so much fun having that "hep hep hooray" game. not only it is fun to see faces of funny people trying to concentrate with their brows joined and forehead layered with lines but also it eases the burden of life. maybe these are not only the reason why i did like that game but it were also the smiles, giggles and laughters of the people you are not familiar and comfortable with that made the whole thing addictive.
so much with the entertaining side, it was also a great day because a friend told a great story. i was quite surprised upon hearing myself throwing words which are often said by older folks. i realized that we are really growing old and along with our age comes maturity of our thinking.
yes, we're growing old we're growing old and do not know whether it is for better or worse; we're growing old and do not know if it will end sooner or later; we're growing old and do not know the end of the deal;we're growing old and do not know if we can experience this thing the next time around; yes, indeed we're growing old.
I am really happy to consider myself today as a teenager, as an adolescent and especially as a youth, typified by the two contrasting situations mentioned above- saying things of the olds and doing things of the kids...still i exist and try to live with the life where the unmovable mover wants me to be.

knickknacks for the two of them

this day was quite a bit irritating...
1st I honestly got zero in a quiz with one of my major subjects-the punishment for not reading what everybody in the class should read.2nd, The greatest annoyance I could ever get when my friends are around, happened again before lunch.3rd and the most irritating among the most irritating situations occured, was when these two crazy male classmates of mine told me something about a female co-major's boobs. Yes, it was all about the size of those coconuts of hers which nobody could deny that they were not just like humps but bulks!
We were having our last subject for the day when the nearest seatmate of mine (who appears to be so maliciously indifferent ) told me that this Mr. writer King,seating beside him was looking at Ms. coconut's boobs(who happens to be on a sideview from our sight) after I stared at them sharply.
At first it did not really bother me but the two continued to giggle like writting worms in their seats and I, who have the knowledge of their laughing ( or fantasy) stock went irritated as their faces grew like demons in a vast ocean of fire!!! Oh God I was supposed to hit them in the head and spank the two of them down the floor.
It burns me inside. The feeling that all the while you thought of these persons to be moral and not sexual maniacs ( sorry for the term but I cannot find any other word to describe their sinister deed!) but suddenly your world of perception stirred up! Darn it!
It bothered me because as a woman, it is so disgusting to hear the voices of men fantasizing or just even laughing at some other GIRL's physiological parts! Of course they have not just made some good laugh and fun about it but they have overdone it and that thing made me go nuts in my seat.
Although I already made them feel sorry for acting that way, the irritation it gave me still bites! It is not a deep cut but it is all over me which made me feel ill seeing and remembering their faces like laughing demons.
I just hope that someday these two will realize that we are given eyes to see the truth in situations and beauty in every creation. I just wish that it is not only the two of these guys realize thing but all other men.

What if's

What if I never knew him? Will I still suffer from insomnia for almost every night?
What If he never knew I am head-over-heels for him? Does he I am? Oh God, how I wish he does not.
What If I never knew everybody around my circle of friends in college? Will I be still the same Evora with the Evora they are chatting and eating with?
What if NDMU is just a meter away from our residence? Will I not be staying up late at night to study with my friend’s house?
What if I lost my family in a war? Maybe it would be the end of my beautiful life.
What if Shoga feels the same with my feeling toward him? Will the situation between us become better or worse? How I wish the former will happen.
What if there is truth with my instincts with Shoga and _________, that there is something more than friendship between the two of them? I guess it will be the start of my journey toward being alone for the rest of my life.
What if that dream of mine about my future groom will come true? Is there still a chance for me and Shoga to be together?
What If I chose to be an AB Pol-Sci student? Will I get as many pimples as I have now?
What if the earth is flat? Will Newton’s law be formulated?
What If I am a boy? I thing I’m more handsome and appealing than my classmates.
What if I was born in Poland? Would I still have the same face with this face I am presenting everyone with?
What if Beata did not get pregnant? Will my family be happier?
What if I die now? I want to know if the feeling of being dead is a feeling like that of sleeping.
What if that thought of mine about my childhood is true? What will I do?
What if I went to college at NDTC? Would I still meet Shoga?

Colors of Poverty

Red lights on the floor:
Yellow flower on the door:
Blue plight of a poor




Spark of Life

Alone and astray:
Found a spark within me;
The Holy Spirit

Self-Reliance
For us human, it is always a God-given right to trust ones self , to love ones self and to rely ones self. We may not be satisfied with the ideas that our mind can formulate but remember that a thousand-mile journey starts with a single step. Great leaps and strides are impossible without learning and executing small and swaggering steps. Do not be afraid of the possible outcome of utilizing your own ideas, they may bring us disappointments and frustrations because they turn out to be several failures but always remember that mistakes are the lifeblood of learning. Like a metal blade ourselves must be sharpened day-to-day by the experiences that environment could offer us. The experiences that I am referring in here are the challenges one must face bravely, sincerely and willingly, engrossing in mind that one needs these set of challenges to grow and elevate ones self.
We may be afraid to go one step higher from where we are standing because of the dismantling remarks we received and we will receive from the people around us but think of the opportunities that line in front of your journey toward self-satisfaction in your golden years. Due to depreciated strength and cognitive skills, once we are there we can do nothing but reminisce with the memoirs of success and inevitably memoirs of failures. This one big reason for trusting the power that lies beyond your own ability and ideas, to trust oneself and to pursue escalated disposition in life once still young and able.
One might not see this as a striking predicament but if one grows old but I see this as horrifying and threatening. I do not want to spend the rest of my golden years in life remembering my past that is filled with miseries and failures.
There is more of a loser to a person who lost in the game and that is the person who had not given himself the chance to join the game because of deep aversion toward losing. I abhor\or person who say “ I can not do that” followed by the traditional excuses like “because I am not him”, “ because I did not undergo this and that”, “ because I am not capable of doing it” and “ because I do not want to be embarrassed”. Do not these people deprive themselves against success and transition? Of course they can not do it now but sooner or later they already can. Deep determination and self-esteem coupled with humor should be either acquired or learned by these people. After learning or acquiring it they should characterize it. With these comes self-reliance.

“La Vita El Bella” or “ Life Is Beautiful”, a story of a Jewish man together with his family who trapped under the Hitler demagogy; depicting elements of war, romance and humor.
Guido, taking the lead role, characterized as a happy-go-lucky young Jewish bachelor who went to Italy to live with his uncle met Dora, a beautiful and sophisticated Italian teacher who was already engaged, out of her will, with a prominent person in the community. The two met in an accident and serendipity destines the both of them to successively bump into each other. Eventually the two, fell with each other's charm. Both decided to settle down without Dora's parents consent. Dora gave birth to an intelligent and brilliant boy named Josua.
The big problem came when the war between the Germany and America began. Jews were caught and sent off to a place where they were made as slaves. Unfortunately, Dora is a pure-blooded Italian and was not included to these people who are to be brought in the place, Dora being determined to see her better-half and son, decided to get inside of the train where the Jews are placed. Guido made a fanciful story out of the horrifying situation Joshua and him are into for the former to stay calm. Amidst the gunfires and shots, a gunfire shot from a Nazi soldier got Gyido killed.
The story happened in the romantic place of Italy with their classic houses built out of bricks. repetitive circle patterns are apparent in the story, promoting the romantic undertone of the story. Romantic scenes are highlighted and intesified by classical Italian music.
Life is indeed beautiful if one sees it so and makes something beautiful out of it.

Happiness and sadness

When the wind whispers to my ears, when the mist kisses my cheeks, when the gleaming waves of the shore splash through my skin I can feel happiness!

I can feel happiness even in some little ways; like a new born baby, newly sprouted leaves flashed to delight me, my thought reminds me of looking forward to life because there is always hope that awaits .Like the sun retiring from the day's work, greenish-brown tilting blades of leaves reminds me of looking back in the past to venture some moments of giggling.

Happiness is when I am alone! Spending most of the day reading (Oh how I delight myself by reading books). This kind of happiness comes once in a while and i prefer to have this kind of happiness comes only once and a while and I prefer this kind of happiness after a long and exhausting day.

Happiness to me comes in a package of smiling people, laughing friends and caring family. This happens when one is at the verge of their success, victory and triumph over whatever challenge. Smiling is man's way of showing happiness, whenever I see people smile, I feel happiness, whenever I see people laugh, I see a glowing light coming out of me; caring is man's way of sharing happiness.

What is happiness without loneliness! After all, one cannot know goodness without recognizing evil.

When the clouds cluster and darkens my day, when the raindrops fall down from my lids, when the splashing waves of the deep blue sea ruin my sand castle on the shore, I can feel sadness!
I can feel happiness most with great big thing; like a brown falling leaf departing from a caring origin reminds me of the life after death; like the waters in the river which know nothing about their destination reminds me that everyone and everything goes somewhere.

T'nalak Festival

A prism of streaking lights hit the gloomy and starless sky fronted me and my friends as we agree to step out from the monotony of the school and take part in the celebration. Bombarding sounds beat along with grooving youth. Ornate cottages stand in array, lacquered with proud ethnicity and humble cheer. Four-colored intertwining abaca fibers abound the merrying crowd, lighting the purpose of the celebration.
The smoke spreads and mixes with the air, enticing people to take a bite with the grilled chunky white meat and swirling yellow tasty food and to take plunge into the bitter-sweet beverage along the sidewalks.
As we walk along the Alunan avenue with smears of everybody’s sweat around our bodies, variegated color of sparks exploded in the sky like splashes of hues in a painting, one after the other, surprising the crowd. Suddenly, we found ourselves putting our hand together in awe with loud booms and bangs especially with the expanding glows of colorful lights in the heavens.
People pushing, people dancing, people singing, people eating, people laughing, people drinking, people hopping, people joyriding, people smiling; if you see these kind of people at day or night, walaaah! Welcome to T’nalak festival.

“UNLEARNING WHAT I HAVE LEARNED”

“UNLEARNING WHAT I HAVE LEARNED”

A Reflection Paper In Renato Constantino's Article

Recalling the Past: An Introspection

When I was in elementary, in meeting the greatest heroes through a poster, i wonder why we should study their lives, I wonder why we should give them an hour of discussion or lecture, why should we print their faces on posters and stick these posters in every corner of every classroom, why should we give them our time to read and time to reflect in their so-called “great deeds”.

I cannot, with all honesty, blame myself to be subjective in times when I need to be objective because human beings are considered to be both rational and emotional beings. it is fine when the rational attribute coincides with thew emotional one, otherwise, problem will arise ( Ugh, as much as I wanted to express more of myself I can't because I need to be true(that would mean I would have to be objective) in what I write, unless this is creative writing that anybody could be in the story, that anyplace could be the setting, that any situation could be the story.

I wish I wish

I wished to have taken my Rizal subject this semester so that I can greatly relate with the particular situations or settings that Constantino is talking about in his text; I wished to have read this article during my elementary and secondary days so that I can ask my teachers about their point of view regarding the apple of discord; I wished to go back in the past during Rizal's existence and ask him what he mean about the difference between independence and liberty and why he wanted the Philippines to be a province of Spain and why not an independent state!Like Constantino I cannot go back in the future, limited are the things that we could do with it, we can rewrite it the way we could but it should be written the way it should have been! I cannot go back in the time when Rizal was born, when he wrote Noli Me Tangere, when he joined the propaganda movement and when he was shot. the manner of his death is comparable with Jesus's death. Jesus's death was the reason for discovering his journey and role as the begotten son of God and the messiah (this is what the Bible says); Rizal was shot dead in one afternoon and his manner of death made way to his martyrdom and made him the best choice of the Americans to be the National hero of the Philippines.

A Da Vinci Code experience

I was not yet in the middle of reading the whole text, a memory of a scene in Da Vinci Code flashed came across the streams of my thought. Smiling on my own, I stood up and stretched my arms then made my mind to get into reading the text again and realized why the thought of such made possible.

All the while I thoght that the author wanted to put rizal a sour National hero and made me conclude that this text is like the movie written by Brown, the D Vinci Code. If your faith with Christ or knowledge about Christ is not that profound you willreally think for days or weeks or even months(just like what happened to a friend of mine) about the numerous twisted concepts about him in the story. Because I conditioned myself to stick to what my family told me about Christ, stick to what my religion taught me, I never went wrong. I also did the same with the given selection but this time I think I missed to see the forest among the trees!

I think All He Want Is To...

Towards the end of the text i realized that Constantino just wanted students as well as teachers of history to reevaluate Rizal's life work and writings, to weigh his positive as well as negative attributes equally equating to the idea that we should correct the way we learn history that we need to learn from Rizal's mistakes and weaknesses the way we learn from his success and glories.

Eureka!

I realized that I should be open with the things that somebody would try to convey in his or her own point of view for a particular matter or topic. To be a good and effective teacher , one must promote a welcoming atmosphere for students' suggestion and I found out that I need to learn more of this as a hoping soon-to-be-teacher.

I wished to have many careers before but finally I realized that I want to touch lives and shape minds-this possible in TEACHING!