i know and not wish

the end of the year was about to come, I wanted to stay longer here in Marbel because of the exciting and invigorating experiences i have observed since December sarted.

this year is a bit tiring yet enjoyable year!getting to know bette other guys in my major really gives me a better perception about life.

people who suffered and mourned a lot during their past,will earn a lot of blessings in their future.

this idea was from the two of my great friends, one had really big prob with guys she had fallen for and the other had big prob with her family.

this year, I have fallen for a friend, i don't knoew if i'm close to his heart as a friend but to me his very close. at first it was only a plain crush on him but it really proved that proximity results to intimacy...grrrrrr.... he caused me a lot of insomniaic nights and blank-thoughts during daytime.everytime his with other girls i feel a stinging pinch inside me, its venomous and it spreads all over me, turning myself into a stiff statue!!! I hate this feeling and i totally hate the situation but i like him and i still like those girls he is sometimes with! it would be a great hipocrisy to deny this feeling before him and before the whole 3rd year english-majors of NDMU. the thought of "how would i get over this feeling" during the past months clouded my mind. and it really bites, the reality that he does not even like and would never like a single part of me is in the air. i tried to tell it frankly to him but he refused to give something back except the friendship that we have built up during the days we have gone through. another thing that is softly killing me are the people i know, are the friends that i have and are the dear classmates of mine who also like him! darn it!. I don't want to see their faces near him but what can i do?, they are everywhere he goes they are everywhere he went they are all over his life here in college. I don't own him, and i have nohing to tell to those guys ,who are like his shadow, to go away from him! it hurts but it's the reality. it stings but it's the truth. it kills me but this defines me. this situation defines them and this situation defines everyone of us. who are these everyone anyway? i don't want to mention names because i value their feelings and i respect their personhood. I wished to have a better space in his heart and not just a plain friend but this was an old tale to tell and does not prove to be true this day. I just wanted us to stay friends because i have seen someone he likes much and i can sense someone he really deserves. someone he can pair-up and could really be satisfied with! i realized that because we are always ogether and we are always with each other's company that i have fallen head-over-heels for him. but there is this another friend who is always with my company and always hear my problem who i am falling for but there is this something that hinders the feeling to grow and I don't know what it is! maybe it's because i don't want to kill another self of me anymore. i don't want another venom to spread on me and turn me intio a stiff statue. i don't want these things to happen again because this other friend has his dear girlfriend.

this year is about to end but i know for myself that these heartaches are also about to end. I know i know i know because i don't want to say i wish i wish i wish.

i believe with all the reality in my being that it is their loss not mine!

Guys merry christmas and advance happy new year ...

don't give yourself a lot of stress!

doing both the OPPOSITES

yesterday, we went to school to build this 10-feet christmas tree, i thought much of the expected things in there are a bunch of cutting, sticking, gluing and such stuff but to my surprise the end of the day gave me a lot better outlook about life.
it was so much fun having that "hep hep hooray" game. not only it is fun to see faces of funny people trying to concentrate with their brows joined and forehead layered with lines but also it eases the burden of life. maybe these are not only the reason why i did like that game but it were also the smiles, giggles and laughters of the people you are not familiar and comfortable with that made the whole thing addictive.
so much with the entertaining side, it was also a great day because a friend told a great story. i was quite surprised upon hearing myself throwing words which are often said by older folks. i realized that we are really growing old and along with our age comes maturity of our thinking.
yes, we're growing old we're growing old and do not know whether it is for better or worse; we're growing old and do not know if it will end sooner or later; we're growing old and do not know the end of the deal;we're growing old and do not know if we can experience this thing the next time around; yes, indeed we're growing old.
I am really happy to consider myself today as a teenager, as an adolescent and especially as a youth, typified by the two contrasting situations mentioned above- saying things of the olds and doing things of the kids...still i exist and try to live with the life where the unmovable mover wants me to be.

What if's

What if I never knew him? Will I still suffer from insomnia for almost every night?
What If he never knew I am head-over-heels for him? Does he I am? Oh God, how I wish he does not.
What If I never knew everybody around my circle of friends in college? Will I be still the same Evora with the Evora they are chatting and eating with?
What if NDMU is just a meter away from our residence? Will I not be staying up late at night to study with my friend’s house?
What if I lost my family in a war? Maybe it would be the end of my beautiful life.
What if Shoga feels the same with my feeling toward him? Will the situation between us become better or worse? How I wish the former will happen.
What if there is truth with my instincts with Shoga and _________, that there is something more than friendship between the two of them? I guess it will be the start of my journey toward being alone for the rest of my life.
What if that dream of mine about my future groom will come true? Is there still a chance for me and Shoga to be together?
What If I chose to be an AB Pol-Sci student? Will I get as many pimples as I have now?
What if the earth is flat? Will Newton’s law be formulated?
What If I am a boy? I thing I’m more handsome and appealing than my classmates.
What if I was born in Poland? Would I still have the same face with this face I am presenting everyone with?
What if Beata did not get pregnant? Will my family be happier?
What if I die now? I want to know if the feeling of being dead is a feeling like that of sleeping.
What if that thought of mine about my childhood is true? What will I do?
What if I went to college at NDTC? Would I still meet Shoga?

Self-Reliance
For us human, it is always a God-given right to trust ones self , to love ones self and to rely ones self. We may not be satisfied with the ideas that our mind can formulate but remember that a thousand-mile journey starts with a single step. Great leaps and strides are impossible without learning and executing small and swaggering steps. Do not be afraid of the possible outcome of utilizing your own ideas, they may bring us disappointments and frustrations because they turn out to be several failures but always remember that mistakes are the lifeblood of learning. Like a metal blade ourselves must be sharpened day-to-day by the experiences that environment could offer us. The experiences that I am referring in here are the challenges one must face bravely, sincerely and willingly, engrossing in mind that one needs these set of challenges to grow and elevate ones self.
We may be afraid to go one step higher from where we are standing because of the dismantling remarks we received and we will receive from the people around us but think of the opportunities that line in front of your journey toward self-satisfaction in your golden years. Due to depreciated strength and cognitive skills, once we are there we can do nothing but reminisce with the memoirs of success and inevitably memoirs of failures. This one big reason for trusting the power that lies beyond your own ability and ideas, to trust oneself and to pursue escalated disposition in life once still young and able.
One might not see this as a striking predicament but if one grows old but I see this as horrifying and threatening. I do not want to spend the rest of my golden years in life remembering my past that is filled with miseries and failures.
There is more of a loser to a person who lost in the game and that is the person who had not given himself the chance to join the game because of deep aversion toward losing. I abhor\or person who say “ I can not do that” followed by the traditional excuses like “because I am not him”, “ because I did not undergo this and that”, “ because I am not capable of doing it” and “ because I do not want to be embarrassed”. Do not these people deprive themselves against success and transition? Of course they can not do it now but sooner or later they already can. Deep determination and self-esteem coupled with humor should be either acquired or learned by these people. After learning or acquiring it they should characterize it. With these comes self-reliance.

“La Vita El Bella” or “ Life Is Beautiful”, a story of a Jewish man together with his family who trapped under the Hitler demagogy; depicting elements of war, romance and humor.
Guido, taking the lead role, characterized as a happy-go-lucky young Jewish bachelor who went to Italy to live with his uncle met Dora, a beautiful and sophisticated Italian teacher who was already engaged, out of her will, with a prominent person in the community. The two met in an accident and serendipity destines the both of them to successively bump into each other. Eventually the two, fell with each other's charm. Both decided to settle down without Dora's parents consent. Dora gave birth to an intelligent and brilliant boy named Josua.
The big problem came when the war between the Germany and America began. Jews were caught and sent off to a place where they were made as slaves. Unfortunately, Dora is a pure-blooded Italian and was not included to these people who are to be brought in the place, Dora being determined to see her better-half and son, decided to get inside of the train where the Jews are placed. Guido made a fanciful story out of the horrifying situation Joshua and him are into for the former to stay calm. Amidst the gunfires and shots, a gunfire shot from a Nazi soldier got Gyido killed.
The story happened in the romantic place of Italy with their classic houses built out of bricks. repetitive circle patterns are apparent in the story, promoting the romantic undertone of the story. Romantic scenes are highlighted and intesified by classical Italian music.
Life is indeed beautiful if one sees it so and makes something beautiful out of it.

Happiness and sadness

When the wind whispers to my ears, when the mist kisses my cheeks, when the gleaming waves of the shore splash through my skin I can feel happiness!

I can feel happiness even in some little ways; like a new born baby, newly sprouted leaves flashed to delight me, my thought reminds me of looking forward to life because there is always hope that awaits .Like the sun retiring from the day's work, greenish-brown tilting blades of leaves reminds me of looking back in the past to venture some moments of giggling.

Happiness is when I am alone! Spending most of the day reading (Oh how I delight myself by reading books). This kind of happiness comes once in a while and i prefer to have this kind of happiness comes only once and a while and I prefer this kind of happiness after a long and exhausting day.

Happiness to me comes in a package of smiling people, laughing friends and caring family. This happens when one is at the verge of their success, victory and triumph over whatever challenge. Smiling is man's way of showing happiness, whenever I see people smile, I feel happiness, whenever I see people laugh, I see a glowing light coming out of me; caring is man's way of sharing happiness.

What is happiness without loneliness! After all, one cannot know goodness without recognizing evil.

When the clouds cluster and darkens my day, when the raindrops fall down from my lids, when the splashing waves of the deep blue sea ruin my sand castle on the shore, I can feel sadness!
I can feel happiness most with great big thing; like a brown falling leaf departing from a caring origin reminds me of the life after death; like the waters in the river which know nothing about their destination reminds me that everyone and everything goes somewhere.

T'nalak Festival

A prism of streaking lights hit the gloomy and starless sky fronted me and my friends as we agree to step out from the monotony of the school and take part in the celebration. Bombarding sounds beat along with grooving youth. Ornate cottages stand in array, lacquered with proud ethnicity and humble cheer. Four-colored intertwining abaca fibers abound the merrying crowd, lighting the purpose of the celebration.
The smoke spreads and mixes with the air, enticing people to take a bite with the grilled chunky white meat and swirling yellow tasty food and to take plunge into the bitter-sweet beverage along the sidewalks.
As we walk along the Alunan avenue with smears of everybody’s sweat around our bodies, variegated color of sparks exploded in the sky like splashes of hues in a painting, one after the other, surprising the crowd. Suddenly, we found ourselves putting our hand together in awe with loud booms and bangs especially with the expanding glows of colorful lights in the heavens.
People pushing, people dancing, people singing, people eating, people laughing, people drinking, people hopping, people joyriding, people smiling; if you see these kind of people at day or night, walaaah! Welcome to T’nalak festival.