ugh, what am I to do? i don't want to kill my self out of irresponsibility and laziness but life got so boring that everything is so monotonous: everyday seems to be a repitition of yesterday, everybody seems to be doing the whole thing again and again, and everywhere seems to be having the whole pattern of activities from time to time! things got so boring( perhaps i'm not the only one feeling the deal!) why am i feeling this kind of emptiness? i have great friends, i know! i have great family, and i'm thankful! i have great experiences, I guess?!
a feeling of needing someone greater envelops me, squeezing me tighter and tighter, crushing my nerves into numbness. a need for someone more vibrant, a need for somebony who possesses more will power, someone who has wealthier experiences. Eureka! that is it! i'm needing someone whom i can recognize as a saviour and as a hero! i know and i acknowledge the presence of God but i am in great sublimation to find a human a, a person and a being whom i can trust, value and look upon into!
i don't ,know if this is an after effect of numerous frustrations in life but i really got bothered by the prevalent situation i am into! a gest for some, maybe! but it is really the hard truth that i am in deep sorrow and agony upon finding this person! a real quest for a once in a lifetime experience!
i may offend and perhaps hurt some by these staetments but i don't knoe why life got kind'a went like this!
i don't have any of those problems tantamount to buildings and skyscrapers but to me it seems that this is a real big one! oh i have another problem which really s not a big one. i'm torn between the decision of choosing my happiness and success!!! i'm quite bothered by this but i am certain that time would help a lot!
Monday, December 22
Friday, December 19
i know and not wish
the end of the year was about to come, I wanted to stay longer here in Marbel because of the exciting and invigorating experiences i have observed since December sarted.
this year is a bit tiring yet enjoyable year!getting to know bette other guys in my major really gives me a better perception about life.
people who suffered and mourned a lot during their past,will earn a lot of blessings in their future.
this idea was from the two of my great friends, one had really big prob with guys she had fallen for and the other had big prob with her family.
this year, I have fallen for a friend, i don't knoew if i'm close to his heart as a friend but to me his very close. at first it was only a plain crush on him but it really proved that proximity results to intimacy...grrrrrr.... he caused me a lot of insomniaic nights and blank-thoughts during daytime.everytime his with other girls i feel a stinging pinch inside me, its venomous and it spreads all over me, turning myself into a stiff statue!!! I hate this feeling and i totally hate the situation but i like him and i still like those girls he is sometimes with! it would be a great hipocrisy to deny this feeling before him and before the whole 3rd year english-majors of NDMU. the thought of "how would i get over this feeling" during the past months clouded my mind. and it really bites, the reality that he does not even like and would never like a single part of me is in the air. i tried to tell it frankly to him but he refused to give something back except the friendship that we have built up during the days we have gone through. another thing that is softly killing me are the people i know, are the friends that i have and are the dear classmates of mine who also like him! darn it!. I don't want to see their faces near him but what can i do?, they are everywhere he goes they are everywhere he went they are all over his life here in college. I don't own him, and i have nohing to tell to those guys ,who are like his shadow, to go away from him! it hurts but it's the reality. it stings but it's the truth. it kills me but this defines me. this situation defines them and this situation defines everyone of us. who are these everyone anyway? i don't want to mention names because i value their feelings and i respect their personhood. I wished to have a better space in his heart and not just a plain friend but this was an old tale to tell and does not prove to be true this day. I just wanted us to stay friends because i have seen someone he likes much and i can sense someone he really deserves. someone he can pair-up and could really be satisfied with! i realized that because we are always ogether and we are always with each other's company that i have fallen head-over-heels for him. but there is this another friend who is always with my company and always hear my problem who i am falling for but there is this something that hinders the feeling to grow and I don't know what it is! maybe it's because i don't want to kill another self of me anymore. i don't want another venom to spread on me and turn me intio a stiff statue. i don't want these things to happen again because this other friend has his dear girlfriend.
this year is about to end but i know for myself that these heartaches are also about to end. I know i know i know because i don't want to say i wish i wish i wish.
i believe with all the reality in my being that it is their loss not mine!
Guys merry christmas and advance happy new year ...
don't give yourself a lot of stress!
this year is a bit tiring yet enjoyable year!getting to know bette other guys in my major really gives me a better perception about life.
people who suffered and mourned a lot during their past,will earn a lot of blessings in their future.
this idea was from the two of my great friends, one had really big prob with guys she had fallen for and the other had big prob with her family.
this year, I have fallen for a friend, i don't knoew if i'm close to his heart as a friend but to me his very close. at first it was only a plain crush on him but it really proved that proximity results to intimacy...grrrrrr.... he caused me a lot of insomniaic nights and blank-thoughts during daytime.everytime his with other girls i feel a stinging pinch inside me, its venomous and it spreads all over me, turning myself into a stiff statue!!! I hate this feeling and i totally hate the situation but i like him and i still like those girls he is sometimes with! it would be a great hipocrisy to deny this feeling before him and before the whole 3rd year english-majors of NDMU. the thought of "how would i get over this feeling" during the past months clouded my mind. and it really bites, the reality that he does not even like and would never like a single part of me is in the air. i tried to tell it frankly to him but he refused to give something back except the friendship that we have built up during the days we have gone through. another thing that is softly killing me are the people i know, are the friends that i have and are the dear classmates of mine who also like him! darn it!. I don't want to see their faces near him but what can i do?, they are everywhere he goes they are everywhere he went they are all over his life here in college. I don't own him, and i have nohing to tell to those guys ,who are like his shadow, to go away from him! it hurts but it's the reality. it stings but it's the truth. it kills me but this defines me. this situation defines them and this situation defines everyone of us. who are these everyone anyway? i don't want to mention names because i value their feelings and i respect their personhood. I wished to have a better space in his heart and not just a plain friend but this was an old tale to tell and does not prove to be true this day. I just wanted us to stay friends because i have seen someone he likes much and i can sense someone he really deserves. someone he can pair-up and could really be satisfied with! i realized that because we are always ogether and we are always with each other's company that i have fallen head-over-heels for him. but there is this another friend who is always with my company and always hear my problem who i am falling for but there is this something that hinders the feeling to grow and I don't know what it is! maybe it's because i don't want to kill another self of me anymore. i don't want another venom to spread on me and turn me intio a stiff statue. i don't want these things to happen again because this other friend has his dear girlfriend.
this year is about to end but i know for myself that these heartaches are also about to end. I know i know i know because i don't want to say i wish i wish i wish.
i believe with all the reality in my being that it is their loss not mine!
Guys merry christmas and advance happy new year ...
don't give yourself a lot of stress!
Sunday, December 14
doing both the OPPOSITES
yesterday, we went to school to build this 10-feet christmas tree, i thought much of the expected things in there are a bunch of cutting, sticking, gluing and such stuff but to my surprise the end of the day gave me a lot better outlook about life.
it was so much fun having that "hep hep hooray" game. not only it is fun to see faces of funny people trying to concentrate with their brows joined and forehead layered with lines but also it eases the burden of life. maybe these are not only the reason why i did like that game but it were also the smiles, giggles and laughters of the people you are not familiar and comfortable with that made the whole thing addictive.
so much with the entertaining side, it was also a great day because a friend told a great story. i was quite surprised upon hearing myself throwing words which are often said by older folks. i realized that we are really growing old and along with our age comes maturity of our thinking.
yes, we're growing old we're growing old and do not know whether it is for better or worse; we're growing old and do not know if it will end sooner or later; we're growing old and do not know the end of the deal;we're growing old and do not know if we can experience this thing the next time around; yes, indeed we're growing old.
I am really happy to consider myself today as a teenager, as an adolescent and especially as a youth, typified by the two contrasting situations mentioned above- saying things of the olds and doing things of the kids...still i exist and try to live with the life where the unmovable mover wants me to be.
it was so much fun having that "hep hep hooray" game. not only it is fun to see faces of funny people trying to concentrate with their brows joined and forehead layered with lines but also it eases the burden of life. maybe these are not only the reason why i did like that game but it were also the smiles, giggles and laughters of the people you are not familiar and comfortable with that made the whole thing addictive.
so much with the entertaining side, it was also a great day because a friend told a great story. i was quite surprised upon hearing myself throwing words which are often said by older folks. i realized that we are really growing old and along with our age comes maturity of our thinking.
yes, we're growing old we're growing old and do not know whether it is for better or worse; we're growing old and do not know if it will end sooner or later; we're growing old and do not know the end of the deal;we're growing old and do not know if we can experience this thing the next time around; yes, indeed we're growing old.
I am really happy to consider myself today as a teenager, as an adolescent and especially as a youth, typified by the two contrasting situations mentioned above- saying things of the olds and doing things of the kids...still i exist and try to live with the life where the unmovable mover wants me to be.
Wednesday, December 3
knickknacks for the two of them
this day was quite a bit irritating...
1st I honestly got zero in a quiz with one of my major subjects-the punishment for not reading what everybody in the class should read.2nd, The greatest annoyance I could ever get when my friends are around, happened again before lunch.3rd and the most irritating among the most irritating situations occured, was when these two crazy male classmates of mine told me something about a female co-major's boobs. Yes, it was all about the size of those coconuts of hers which nobody could deny that they were not just like humps but bulks!
We were having our last subject for the day when the nearest seatmate of mine (who appears to be so maliciously indifferent ) told me that this Mr. writer King,seating beside him was looking at Ms. coconut's boobs(who happens to be on a sideview from our sight) after I stared at them sharply.
At first it did not really bother me but the two continued to giggle like writting worms in their seats and I, who have the knowledge of their laughing ( or fantasy) stock went irritated as their faces grew like demons in a vast ocean of fire!!! Oh God I was supposed to hit them in the head and spank the two of them down the floor.
It burns me inside. The feeling that all the while you thought of these persons to be moral and not sexual maniacs ( sorry for the term but I cannot find any other word to describe their sinister deed!) but suddenly your world of perception stirred up! Darn it!
It bothered me because as a woman, it is so disgusting to hear the voices of men fantasizing or just even laughing at some other GIRL's physiological parts! Of course they have not just made some good laugh and fun about it but they have overdone it and that thing made me go nuts in my seat.
Although I already made them feel sorry for acting that way, the irritation it gave me still bites! It is not a deep cut but it is all over me which made me feel ill seeing and remembering their faces like laughing demons.
I just hope that someday these two will realize that we are given eyes to see the truth in situations and beauty in every creation. I just wish that it is not only the two of these guys realize thing but all other men.
1st I honestly got zero in a quiz with one of my major subjects-the punishment for not reading what everybody in the class should read.2nd, The greatest annoyance I could ever get when my friends are around, happened again before lunch.3rd and the most irritating among the most irritating situations occured, was when these two crazy male classmates of mine told me something about a female co-major's boobs. Yes, it was all about the size of those coconuts of hers which nobody could deny that they were not just like humps but bulks!
We were having our last subject for the day when the nearest seatmate of mine (who appears to be so maliciously indifferent ) told me that this Mr. writer King,seating beside him was looking at Ms. coconut's boobs(who happens to be on a sideview from our sight) after I stared at them sharply.
At first it did not really bother me but the two continued to giggle like writting worms in their seats and I, who have the knowledge of their laughing ( or fantasy) stock went irritated as their faces grew like demons in a vast ocean of fire!!! Oh God I was supposed to hit them in the head and spank the two of them down the floor.
It burns me inside. The feeling that all the while you thought of these persons to be moral and not sexual maniacs ( sorry for the term but I cannot find any other word to describe their sinister deed!) but suddenly your world of perception stirred up! Darn it!
It bothered me because as a woman, it is so disgusting to hear the voices of men fantasizing or just even laughing at some other GIRL's physiological parts! Of course they have not just made some good laugh and fun about it but they have overdone it and that thing made me go nuts in my seat.
Although I already made them feel sorry for acting that way, the irritation it gave me still bites! It is not a deep cut but it is all over me which made me feel ill seeing and remembering their faces like laughing demons.
I just hope that someday these two will realize that we are given eyes to see the truth in situations and beauty in every creation. I just wish that it is not only the two of these guys realize thing but all other men.
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